Things I Don't Want but that Other People Might

Falling Ribbon Cardigan

2009-11-09T00:44:00.000-08:00

I tend to avoid clothes that have detailing over the boob area, because that's not an area I want to emphasize at all. However, the navy with yellow is my favorite color combination (well, one of them, anyway), and I like the ribbon. If you wanted to redesign the West Point cadet uniform for a woman, this is what you'd come up with. I'm digging the military vibe. I also just think this is an extremely versatile cardigan: obviously you could wear it with jeans and it would be a great look, but I could also see this with a loose skirt, or even over the girliest sundress.

Elimovna Coat

2009-11-07T15:15:00.000-08:00

I see where they were going with this, but I'm not a big fan. Normally I'm a fan of the nipped waist/full bottom coat (it just occurred to me that you might be able to call it an A-line coat—can you say that?), but this one is just way too busy. Maybe it would work if the details on the hem and sleeves were more narrow? I also think this color isn't exactly the most versatile. How often can you wear a long salmon coat? Exactly: not that often. I think the rules for long coats are like the rules for lying: KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid.

Jackie Part II: The Senator's Wife Years

2009-11-07T05:06:00.000-08:00

This is Jackie pre-White House. She married her senator in 1953, had a lot of problems in her marriage, basically had to be bribed by Joe Kennedy to stay in her marriage, and avoided publicity wherever possible. She was gestating her signature style, but she still had her super-casual moments at Hyannis Port or Palm Beach.

Palm Beach Jackie

Gemma Tie Neck Silk Blouse, $88

3.1 Phillip Lim Twisted Hem Skirt, $275

Sure, this top could be too baggy for the skirt, but I really like the volume-on-top, tight-mini-on-bottom silhouette. And from everything I've read about Jackie wanting to minimize her shoulders, she would too. And besides, she swam, played tons of tennis (since the ultra-Catholic Kennedys were uber-WASPs at heart), and rode horseback all the time, so you know her legs were bangin'. Why not show them off?

Camilla Skovgaard, $490

So there's a lot going at the top of this outfit, but I think this are really fun and playful and just damn sexy. Also, I feel like this outfit going crazy-simple-crazy works somehow. Feel free to disagree.

Hyannis Port

Elizabeth and James 'Laurent' Shirt, $225

Rag & Bone Crop Skinny Leg Stretch Jeans, $215

Virginia Johnson Giant String Tote Bag, $49.50

So I found myself going volume-on-top, tight-on-bottom again. But I think Jackie would totally embrace the stovepipe jean, and the Elizabeth and James blouses were basically made for Jackie—and me, if someone wants to give me $200+ to spend on blouses. They are structured and almost architectural but the volume gives them a relaxed feel. The whole look is meant to be simple but sophisticated. The bag is casual enough for a stroll on the beach and the colors make it summer-appropriate.

Campaign Wife

Brian Reyes Draped Dress, $790

Hobo International Triple Chain Clutch, $98

Enzo Angiolini "Meryann" Pump, $79.95

(I'm bad at accessories, so yes, these are very poorly accessorized. Feel free to suggest options.)

Trying for Youthful: Jewelry Edition

2009-11-05T17:00:00.000-08:00

I am trying to get away from my natural inclination toward the Mother-of-the-Bride and being totally conservative in clothing and jewelry. It's kind of a struggle to find youthful jewelry because, as far as I'm concerned, it's hard to wear "young" jewelry, and it's easy to make yourself older by wearing it. But here goes...

Ra Creations

Gorjana, Jennifer Meyer

Citrine by the Stones, Marc by Marc Jacobs, Juicy Couture

Gap, Urban Outfitters, Karen Walker

Jen's Pirate Booty Margarita Dress

2009-11-05T13:30:00.000-08:00

I shouldn't like this. This is not something my 5'3"-ish frame could ever hope to pull off. Like, not even for Halloween. (Well, maybe for Halloween. Only 394 days until the next one!) But, like... this is kind of cool. Sure, totally cheesy and obvious (the rope detail is really heavy), but I just can't get over how kind of hot I think this is. If I were 5'10" I'd be all over this.

Jeffrey Campbell City Over the Knee Flat Boots

2009-11-05T10:30:00.000-08:00

I would wear these with anything, anywhere, in any season.

I would wear these with leggings. (As much as I hate leggings and secretly judge people who wear them as a legitimate bottom to an outfit.)

I would wear these with a knee-length skirt and a chunky scarf.

I would wear these with a supertight minidress.

I would wear these with a trench coat and nothing at all.

I would watch TV on the weekends in these.

Sure, the gladiator feel is a little played-out, but I don't care. Love, love, love, love, love. I'm sorry, is my gushing getting old?

I LOVE these.

Infinity Necklace

2009-11-04T14:30:00.000-08:00

Come on, how pretty is this?

Incidentally, why is my taste in jewelry so, like, Mother-of-the-Bride? You know: dowdy, grandmother-appropriate. Think Barbara Walters. Apparently, I am naturally inclined to dressing and accessorizing like a 60-year-old.

If I were Ballsy, I would Wear...

2009-11-04T13:30:00.000-08:00

LnA, Ports 1961, Torn by Ronny Kobo

Free People, Silence and Noise

Kimchi, Rapscallion by Samantha Pleet, Thistlepearl

Silence and Noise, DvF

Jackie: The Farmington Years

2009-11-04T10:37:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know this post is ill-timed, since Halloween was last Saturday, but... let's be real, who wouldn't want to dress like Jackie Bouvier Kennedy Onassis any day of the week?

Now, if you know me, you know I am a little obsessed with the Kennedys right now. This includes Jackie. I've read America's Queen and am beginning Mrs. Kennedy. So I can say pretty confidently that I know a good deal about Jackie O.

I know about her AND love her style. Who doesn't? And so, this is Post No. 1 in a series on how to update the Jackie look, from various stages of her life.

Jackie: The Farmington Years
For those that don't know, "Farmington" is what those in the know call Miss Porter's School in, yep, Farmington, CT. Jackie kept to herself there but is remembered as the consummate prep school girl. Miss Porter's had a rigid dress code, and Jackie wasn't the style icon that we know and love today while she was there. She loved riding her horse more than anything and was actually kind of a tomboy.

So this look is anything but put-together. Because, in prep school, Jackie wasn't. She was the child of a divorcee living on her stepdad's money, kind of out-of-place in a WASP-y environment. So this outfit is purposefully messy and thrown-together. But it's comfortable, functional and it would keep her warm while she's tramping around in the cold CT fall.

Gap wool blend cape, Patagonia R2 Regulator Vest, J.Crew tissue turtleneck, J.Crew wool flannel short, Gap footless tights, Burberry flat suede boot

Sexy Satin Tube Dress

2009-11-04T10:26:00.000-08:00

So I was going to write about the Express Sexy Satin Tube dress, but the douches over at Express decided to not make their images saveable. Like, wtf? Whatever.

But it's cute! It comes in like a million (okay, six) adorable colors that sit solidly in the 80's, neon trend. I want the peach one and the emerald green one. The peach one would be adorbs in the spring and the emerald green one would clearly work for the holidays.

Beyond the colors, I kind of severely covet this dress. Normally I'm wary of strapless dresses: I think they are way too popular for a style that really does not work for everyone. Willowy? Go for it. Solid? Exercise caution. I fall in the second category, so I do. Normally, at least. Sometimes I weaken and slip and then end up looking stupid. But this one is structured in a way that makes me think I could wear it, so I want to.

It's $60 now, marked down from $80—which, good decision, because... who is spending $80 at Express of all places these days? For real. If I'm really desperate for a dress—and believe me, I have a formal event on Dec. 5 that I will be obsessing over—I will buy this. Otherwise, it will be strictly an impulse buy when it's inevitably marked down to $45 in a month.

Estate Link Bracelet

2009-11-03T16:00:00.000-08:00

I was trying to be more youthful and fun in my taste in jewelry. And yet... I fail.

I love chunky, so I love this.

Marc by Marc Jacobs Nylon Q Mabel Tote

2009-11-02T12:40:00.000-08:00

I feel as if I'd need to be a 50-something Jersey/Long Island housewife to pull this off, but...

... this is kind of awesome.

The A-Line Skirt

2009-11-02T07:58:00.001-08:00

These look so harmless. Adorable, even. Sweet, charming, youthful.

Beware.

Look at this! Come on, who can resist the Catholic schoolgirl look?*

Back away slowly. Approach with caution.

There is nothing that makes a woman look younger than an A-line, especially when it's an A-line on a short skirt. Seriously. I went to Catholic school. I wore the plaid. I know.

And not younger in the good way. Younger in the way where no one will take you seriously. I think it's the attitude conveyed by the full skirt/narrow waist silhouette: very little-girl lost. Think about it: why was the 17-inch waist and huge hoop skirt the en vogue for Scarlett O'Haha and other Southern bells? That look is the classic male fantasy, in garment form.

And so when you wear A-line anything—making your waist look smaller and your bottom bigger—you are basically saying: I am young, I am fertile, I can carry your babies, please breed with me.

... Okay, obviously that's going a little far. And obviously, a smaller waist is something most women want, and will buy clothes to create. (I certainly do.) But there's no coincidence that women cast off their corsets and freed their waists in the 20s to declare their independence.

Seriously. Look how happy they are! Smiling! Laughing! Kicking up their heels! And then check out these unfortunate women:

Okay, that was mean. This is Queen Victoria. She's not exactly known as the life of the party. But she couldn't have been happy having her hefty Hanoverian frame stuffed into a corset.

So. A-lines need to be worn with caution. If you're going to a job interview, stay away. You will look like a little girl, which is not the look you should be going for. This is kind of heartbreaking for me, because an A-line skirt is my favorite separate. But I'm updating my wardrobe for the adult era, and some things have to go.

*There was a time in the not-so-distant past where all I wore was variations on the Catholic schoolgirl theme. Plaid miniskirts, all the time. However, I am older now (I won't say how much older) and wiser, and am backing away from the Catholic schoolgirl thing. Well, most of the time.

Apparently, my sister reads this, so...

2009-11-01T21:59:00.000-08:00

... here are some ideas for what you can buy me for Christmas!

(Bluefly.com edition)

Necessary Objects colorblocked stripe tank dress
(Yes I know a much-cheaper version is probably available from Forever 21. But in this case, I demand quality. But this hits all my buttons: high-waist, colorblocking, full skirt...)

Puella scoopneck jersey dress
This is a little riskier and is definitely not a go-to style of dress for me. However, the brand is Puella, which is so cool I can't deny it. Also, I love the print. Like, a lot. It's the rare cutesy print that doesn't scream "Grandma's couch." And the neckline & 3/4 sleeves would be flattering on me.

Free People "Traveling Sun" jersey dress
I really have nothing to say other than: I would look truly bangin' in this dress.

Lest you think I have some weird vendetta against separates and only wear dresses (which, to be honest, I kind of do):

Free People floral zip blouse
Yes, this breaks my sheer rules. And yes, that is a zipper. But I kind of don't care. It's adorable and romantic and charming and damnit, I want to wear it. This is America, after all. If I want to break all my firmly held wardrobe beliefs from time to time than I should be able to.

Collective Concepts
Every girl has that weeklong period every month where they feel like wearing sweatpants all the time. Sometimes, real life intrudes and they have to look presentable, which totally sucks. So everyone should have their go-to outfit for when they're on their period and feeling 5 lbs overweight. (Well, guys excluded.) This would be mine.

And finally, the grand finale...

Marc New York
...the shift dress to end all shift dresses. Beautiful. Stunning. Gorge. I want. I need. I die. If Jackie O were alive in November 2009, she would wear this. January Jones would kill this look. And so: I want, I need, I die, etc., etc.

Reed Evins Tie Dye Flat Slide Sandals

2009-11-01T17:59:00.000-08:00

I am salivating with desire.

I can't pick which color I want more.

They're kind of dowdy-looking—I swear my mother owns these exact slides in plain black—but HOW CUTE is the tie-dye?

Sandy Babydoll Top

2009-11-01T17:55:00.000-08:00

Hey, Forever 21. If you want me to buy something ...

... don't sell out of it, mmkay?

Ohhh, I want this. So bad. Alas, only mediums are left.

(This model is a prime candidate for Awkward Model Poses, huh?)

Fab Patent Skinny Belt Set

2009-11-01T17:50:00.000-08:00

I don't quite have the body type for skinny belts... I feel like you need to be one of those lucky girls with super-defined waists, and I am not that girl. I stick to wide belts that give me the illusion of a waist. However. These are cute, and for $4.50 for two, you really can't go wrong.

Sheer Striped Floral Dress

2009-11-01T17:47:00.001-08:00

This is pretty cute. Betty Draper-ish, almost. The "sheer" part worries me, as it should any right-thinking person, but I still kinda love it. If you have the balls to pull of sheer, then go to it.

Sandpiper Dress Peacock

2009-10-24T10:09:00.000-07:00

I love this Lilly Pulitzer dress more than words.

Just look at it! Gorgeous.

BUT:
this is classic TOO MUCH. If you don't live in Greenwich or Palm Beach you're not allowed to wear it.

Things No One Should Want, Lilly Pulitzer Edition

2009-10-24T09:45:00.000-07:00

I love Lilly Pulitzer. There, I said it. I love the ridiculous prints, classic cuts, and ridiculously overpriced separates. However, it's very, very easy to go too far. So here's a fun romp through the Lilly Pulitzer website, and all the bad choices you can make.

(The other print is actually cute.)

Vomit-worthy level of roses here.

This would be cute, but... a bubble hem? Really, Lilly, this isn't Forever 21.

The description call these "cute sleeves." I beg to differ.

And special feature: fun with men's! They really speak for themselves.

Unflattering Outfit Choices on Catalog Models, Part 1

2009-10-22T09:30:00.000-07:00

The title says it all. But don't you always laugh a little when you see a catalog model in an outfit that really, truly just does not work on her?*

*This has nothing to do with the models' bodies themselves. Obviously the models are hot as hell, but don't tell me there wasn't an outfit that is more flattering on them.

Jumpsuits are tricky on anyone, but this required a model with bigger boobs.

Her boobs look really lopsided in this Forever 21 babydoll top. Like, needs-surgery-lopsided.

I was really hopeful when I saw this. Until I saw that the sleeves are cut at the perfect length to make your upper arm look fat, and that the dreaded sausage arm is what I fear the most.

I've been watching America's Next Top Model to see this and not immediately freak out that the model is a NO-NECK MONSTER.

Awkward Model Poses

2009-10-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

I've heard of "smell the fart" acting, but...

This model is a repeat offender.
Apparently, "reaching for your crotch" is an accepted model pose.

Silence & Noise Knit Slub Jumper

2009-10-21T11:50:00.000-07:00

So this is an example of a not-heinous jumper. The proportions are ones I'm ok with, the fabric isn't too clingy or shiny, and the back is nothing less than sheer HOTNESS.

However, it's also... a jumper. It's October. I'm not wearing a jumper. Especially not in public.

Things No One Should Want, Forever 21 Edition

2009-10-21T10:20:00.000-07:00

Finding irredeemably awful things in Forever 21 is like shooting fish in a barrel. I feel guilty, because it's too easy. But I say that with love and affection and with many, many Forever 21 items in my closet, so I feel like I've earned the right to mock with impunity.

If a prostitute walked into a 19th-century Western saloon wearing this, she'd be laughed out of the place.

There are a lot of egregiously bad things in this post. This is not one of them. But no one should buy this. This shirt is just gratuitously long. And why is it sheer, again?

I'm trying really hard, and I still can't see anyone wearing this. Not even that epitome of bad decisions, Taylor Momsen.

Now this has Taylor Momsen's name on it! This actually reminds me of that awful slatted Herve Leger dress all the reality starlets wore last spring just because it was Herve Leger and not because it was, you know, a good dress. Similarly, I can see a lot of girls wearing this because they think cut-outs and slats = punk, but they would be very, very wrong.

I know jumpsuits and genie-pants are "big for fall" this year (and there are some jumpsuits I find flattering), but there is nothing redeeming about these sweatpants.

I'm sorry, what are those flaps accomplishing exactly? This dress would be cute without them. And maybe without that tacky belt, too.

This is too easy. I don't have to say anything at all.

Silk dupioni rosette dress

2009-10-21T10:14:00.000-07:00

I blame Michelle Obama, but JCrew has become ridiculously overpriced. It's depressing, but I really don't need to spend $88 on a ruffled shirt that I could buy from Forever 21 for $20.

HOWEVER.

I love this. It's just barely on the right side of too much whimsy and romance. The rosettes are pretty artfully placed.

I think this dress would be perfect for the 5'10", 120-lb woman with a spare $495 lying around. For 5'3" stumpy me, this would perhaps not be the best choice.

But I can dream, right?

Things No One Should Want, Urban Outfitters Edition

2009-10-20T13:35:00.000-07:00

Aaaggghhhhhhh.

I can see a 15 year-old girl who needs to hide her pregnancy wearing this. No one would notice until the baby popped out.

No comment.

No, no, no, no, no.

Ew. And it looks too tight in the ass.

Hey! It's Grandma's couch!

I don't really have to explain why, do I?

[For the record, I don't hate jumpers. I hate THOSE jumpers. I think some of them can be very cute and flattering. But they have to have the right proportions and pattern and color and fabric and these just... don't.]

Tuxedo beach tunic

2009-10-20T11:09:00.000-07:00

Going through the JCrew website has got me on the warpath about ridiculous prices and reaffirms my allegiance to Forever 21 and Beacon's Closet, but I won't get into that now because it'll just make me mad. Damn you, Michelle Obama!

Again, I miss my ninth-grade boobs. My chest would never let me pull this off, ever. I actually have a low-rent version of this very shirt from the Gap that I only wear with my bra-top cami that smooshes my boobs down so they don't stick out.

But if I grew six inches taller and stayed the same weight, the first thing I would do is buy this and pair it with dark denim stovepipe jeans.

Velvet Eden blazer

2009-10-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

I don't care if the buttons probably wouldn't close over my chest.

I don't care that I have nothing to wear this with.

I don't care that the color would make me look horribly washed out.

I just... want this.

Also, the model is stunning. That helps.

The OPULENT SIREN DRESS

2009-10-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

The all-caps was necessary for this dress.

Seriously. You think simply "the opulent siren dress" would have been appropriate for this thing? Look at all the details! Rhinestones! Streamers! And apparently, this is really a jacket? I don't see how this isn't a dress, but I do see how this could be really great over a pair of jeans.

(From BoudoirQueen's Etsy store.)

Heritage silk back-zip dress - Banana Republic

2009-10-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

So, this would be really cute if it were shorter. I feel weird saying this, but I think the top is a little too baggy... Theoretically I love the idea of the long sleeves because I hate my arms and like my legs and typically like to cover the former and expose the latter. I like the idea of the sleeves, but... something still seems off about this.

Nothing Bad to Say, Minidress Edition

2009-10-19T22:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you see something, and you just think: I WANT. You don't think about how that pattern might not be absolutely right for you. You just... want it.

Below, the minidresses that I think—nay, KNOW that I cannot live without.

Alice + Olivia Sequin Dress

Thread Social Colorblock Layered Dress

Theory Villy Dress

Alice + Olivia One-Shoulder Sequin Dress

Anna Sui Embroidered Pom Poms Dress

Serin Song Jacket - Anthropologie

2009-10-19T21:28:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to say but CUTE.

Oh, ok. The proportions are a little much for my frame and the length would accentuate my butt.

But... CUTE.

Buyer Beware

2009-10-19T19:14:00.000-07:00

So, I recently bought this from eBay, courtesy of Banana Republic. And it's... a sweater. Legit, a sweater. How they justified charging $200 for this back in the day when it was new I do not know.

I'm still a fan, but no way is it warm enough to be an actual jacket. Damn, back to the drawing board.

Things That Shouldn't be as Expensive as They Are, Gap Edition

2009-10-19T18:48:00.001-07:00

There's been a lot of press about how retailers are marking things down and how shoppers don't want to pay full price for anything these days. Well, looking at Gap's, J.Crew's and Banana Republic's prices, you wouldn't know it. J.Crew has the Michelle Obama effect going for it, but it and the others are almost responding aggressively to the recession. Start higher, and the marked-down prices will be roughly equivalent to normal prices. This way, shoppers don't get used to paying less than full price (horrors!) and the retailer gets to re-brand itself as a "luxury" outlet—not due to any increase in the quality of its products, of course, but entirely due to the higher prices.

So I ask you, does any of this shit look as expensive as what they're selling it for?

Ruffle and bow cami, $49.50
Not only is this way too expensive, but it is offensively ugly.

Destructed medium wash denim pencil skirt, $54.50

I'm sorry, did I miss something, or is this not a 90s-appropriate denim skirt. DENIM SKIRT. Calling it the "Destructed medium wash denim pencil skirt" does not change this fact.

Gathered-neck top, $49.50
Boring, boring, boring, boring. The sleeves hit in exactly the right place to make all non-models look like they have fat, flabby, old-lady arms.

Gingham military shirt, $49.50
Lamer version of the same shit they sell at Urban Outfitters. (Not that Urban isn't insanely overpriced as well.)

Ribbon-trimmed textured-stripe shirt, $59.50
They've been selling these tuxedo shirts at the Gap for years at this point. This one isn't any better than the one I bought on sale two years ago for, what, $24? More ruffles doesn't equal better.

Plaid shift dress, $59.50
You guys, it's a shift dress.

Shockingly Out of Touch

2009-10-19T18:06:00.000-07:00

... I've been in Bolton, MA visiting my eternal Facebook wife and watching the Head of the Charles Regatta. Or attempting to, anyway, before 30-degree weather and snow interfered. Yeah.

Cheap Things I Am Wary of Buying

2009-10-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

... but that I will probably buy anyway. I am a whore for cheap online retailers. That doesn't stop me from being irrationally pissed when they show up and don't fit right, though.

Old Navy Women's V-Neck Jersey Dress, $15

Forever 21 Floral Printed Tank Dress, $16.90

Old Navy Women's Pleated Jersey Dress, $15

Old Navy Striped Sweater Dress, $29.50

Harlow dress

2009-10-14T16:15:00.000-07:00

So... ruffles are EVERYWHERE this fall.

EVERYWHERE.

This is very upsetting to short top-heavy girls like me. Can we please, please, please just rip off all gratuitous ruffles? Trust me, I don't need any more attention drawn to my boobs.

I actually really like this (sans ruffles). I like the metallic sheen. But this dress feels like the designers was like, "I know! Let's put two of fall '09's big trends together! Metallics and ruffles! Let's not worry about making the ruffles look organic or anything. Let's just shove it right between the boobs. Like ruffles in a boob valley! A shiny, metallic boob valley."

I'm sorry, does that sounds like it's flattering on anyone?

Delta Gamma SororiTEE

2009-10-14T15:38:00.000-07:00

If I were in a sorority, I would totally make everyone get one of these Lilly Pulitzer SororiTEEs with me. I think my Lilly fetish is getting out of hand.

This post is a shout-out to my senior year suitemate, who was in DG. She wouldn't have been caught dead in Lilly, though.

Unsolicited Life Update

2009-10-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

Pretty busy past couple days. Event at Concept Salon for the Milbon Inphenom treatment last night that ran late and went through 6 bottles of champagne (or, as the NY Times would say, Champagne), but it was so much fun!

And now to cheat by posting all the drafts that I wrote last weekend...

Free People - Blooming Headband

2009-10-12T16:45:00.000-07:00

This whole trend of pseudo-hippie, around-the-forehead thin headbands has been kind of freaking me out. Thankfully, now that it's trickled down through socialites to reality TV stars and finally to college students, it seems to be on its last legs.

But I like this chunky version. I'd never ever wear it in public, but I can lust after it in private, right?

Things No One Should Want, ShopBop Edition

2009-10-12T15:01:00.000-07:00

Hello and welcome to the first edition of Things No One Should Want. These are items that I just can't see working on ANYONE. These should be avoided at all costs. Usually, they make even the model look stupid, and when stick-thin Amazons look awkward in something, you should probably steer clear. First up: Shopbop.com!

T by Alexander Wang Athletic Thermal Onesie

I'll be generous. Maybe this works if you're camping alone with your boyfriend and need something to wear around the campfire. But let's be honest. How often are you doing that?

Pelle Moda Suede Slouch Flat Booties

To be fair, if these were already in my home—say, my mom's old shoes from the 90s—I would totally wear these to the grocery store on a Sunday morning. No way, however, would I spend money on them.

Robert Rodriguez Cashmere Jumpsuit

This sounds weird to say, but this is the demure version of what Amber Rose wore to the VMAs. But I'm totally right.

(And doesn't this model look like she could be an old-school Russian villain from a James Bond movie?)

Nili Lotan Julia Dress

This isn't all that bad, it just doesn't make sense. The print, I mean. It's a basic, boring shift dress with a stupid print that doesn't do anything to flatter a figure. And it looks like slushy snow that's been in the gutter all day.

Yarnz Leapard Hat

I know animal print is, like, a "trend" this season or whatever, but for the life of me I just don't know why. Animal print on anything makes me this you are either

a) an aspirant to Maxim or Playboy, or

b) a divorcee from South Florida or Northern New Jersey, or

c) Samantha Jones on Sex and the City.

But no matter which of those lovely ladies you are channeling, you are always Trying Too Hard.

Chris Benz Cutaway 1-Sleeve Dress

2009-10-12T13:39:00.000-07:00

This is really cute. I love the cut, color, the defined waist and the swingy, full skirt.

However, I'm really into the one-sleeve thing.

Tom Binns Noir Flourescent Earrings

2009-10-12T12:43:00.000-07:00

I don't wear earrings. I got my ears pierced at 7 and I think that's the last time I had earrings in my ears. But I really like these.

New 3.1 PHILLIP LIM Marine V Neck Crop Sweater XS $550

2009-10-12T12:31:00.001-07:00

(Sketchy mannequin aside...)

Oh, don't worry, no way was I ever going to spend $550 on a cardigan. (Although I do love cardigans.) I was thinking of spending $50 on eBay. But then I realized the neckline is too wide and the buttons too big—it just looks too twee.

It's still cute, though.

Success!

2009-10-12T08:31:00.000-07:00

Just paid for my new military-style, collarless coat from Banana Republic. Formerly $198, I got it for $50. SUCCESS.

I've never been big into coats. I've had the same Columbia ski jacket (used to be purple; is now faded to greyish-pink) since I was 12—I wish I were kidding. I usually wear that.

In my sophomore year of college, my mother got me a long, pink wool overcoat from Lilly Pulitzer. I love it—it is super-warm and keeps my legs covered when I'm wearing a dress—but it's kind of hard to be taken seriously in a huge pink coat.

Last year, I bought a navy cropped pea coat from Forever 21. It fits really well, but there's no hiding the fact that it was $30: there's only one button left. So that's on its way out.

The above is my stab at a mature coat. What do you think?

Elsbeth leather oxfords

2009-10-11T16:04:00.000-07:00

I hate this shoe's name. What kind of name is "Elsbeth"?* It's clearly just a faux-aristocratic spelling of Elizabeth/Elisabeth. JCrew: stop trying to hard.

On to the shoe.

I actually kind of like this. But it's not for me. Shoes like that probably lop off three inches from my height, and those are three inches I just can't afford.

*Ok, so apparently it's a Scottish/Hebrew variant of Elspeth. Hebrew? Isn't JCrew the retailer for WASPs-in-training?

White Kimono Style Top - cotton jersey

2009-10-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

Again from the oMARITo shop on Etsy. I really like this because loose blouses are my favorite, but it looks a little too baggy for me. I like the white, though. This is the white piece you can wear all year.

Beyond Vintage - 1940s Dress

2009-10-11T14:53:00.000-07:00

I feel like this would look really cute on some people, but not on me. I love the cut and the colors, but I'm a little top-heavy for this.

The Market Bag in Aqua with adjustable strap

2009-10-11T14:08:00.000-07:00

Not sure about the shape—I know that my book would end up sliding around the bottom of this, since it's so much roomier on bottom than top, which would piss me off—but I absolutely love the color. It would make even the most boring, blah outfit interesting.

(From Fantella's Etsy shop. I'm ordering another bag from her and she's very helpful and accommodating!)

Light Brown Tree Silhouette - Lined in silk

2009-10-11T12:28:00.000-07:00

So the last clutch from Shakuyaku was very icy, very December-appropriate. These are along the same lines—delicate lines, minimal use of color—but the palate is a little more October-appropriate.

I like the Apple Green Tree Silhouette too, but it's not very fall-y. This feels more April/May.

I still like it, though.

Sitting Amongst the Yellow Primroses ......

2009-10-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

Not sure why that random black band is there, but I like the combo of pattern and color. But I hate my shoulders, so the one-shoulder thing wouldn't work on me. I want to be the girl who can wear this, though.

Fingers Crossed

2009-10-11T01:42:00.001-07:00

Just upped my max bid on a Tulle coat from Anthropologie (6 hours until auction ends!), and watched two great Alice + Olivia dresses whose auctions don't end for another two days... hopefully no one notices those dresses and then they can go where they belong: my closet.

Black Polka dot Vintage Reproduction rockabilly 50's style retro Dress

2009-10-10T20:31:00.000-07:00

Reading this described as "rockabilly" made me want to vomit. There's definitely a line between rockabilly and 50s, and I think this just barely toes that line. I wouldn't wear it, but I still love it and think it would look really cute... on someone else. Maybe a girl with a bob and bangs.

(From Shristidudio's Etsy store. She has a lot of other vintage-inspired dresses that I'm eyeing.)

Fall Trends I Actually Like

2009-10-10T17:39:00.001-07:00

It's no secret that I'm not a trendy person. I'm pretty boring in my daily outfit choices. I generally hate any and all trends, and completely ignore them. This fall it's neon colors and the color purple (who decides these things?), minidresses, sheer, ruffles, animal prints and metallics. However, here are some items that incorporate fall trends that I wouldn't mind having:

Metallic

All I hear is Rachel Zoe going, "I love myself a sequin." I'm really liking this Only Hearts top. And although I hate the faux attitude the middle model is displaying, I am IN LOVE with this Juicy Couture top. The back of this multicolor-sequin Adam top is definitely different, but the front is cute.

Sheer

Yay for killing two birds with one stone! This gauze, sequin Free People top is sheer and metallic... and a supercute 2009 update on a hippie staple.

Ruffles

Big fan of the ruffle placement on the Gap shirt. I like the ruffles around the neckline of the navy JCrew top, and the flower. It could be cheesy but it manages to not be.

Purple

My general rule with crazy colors is to keep it simple. This is a very simple, almost utilitarian tote bag, but the color elevates it to Really Fucking Cool.

Neon

I want, I want, I want, I want, I want.

The Grand Finale...
A Minidress with Ruffles and Animal Print

Whoever designed this Karina Grimaldi dress clearly decided to mush a whole bunch of trends together and see how it turned out. And you know what? It turned out HOT. I kind of love this dress, which has a halter and is backless. I'm not sure how it would look on someone not at model-height and -weight, but hey, a girl can dream, right?

Eugenia Kim - Muffy Plaid Cap with Horse Button

2009-10-10T15:53:00.000-07:00

I wish I could wear hats. If I were the kind of person that looked good in hats, I would want THIS ONE. How cute is this hat? I love that English-hunting-party look.

Also, I covet her hair. I just wish I could work the side bang the way this model is.

Bird Dress - Robert Kaufman fabric - size medium

2009-10-10T15:00:00.000-07:00

This is very, very bold.

I love the cut and the style, and even the insanely loud print.

I had to actively hold myself back from purchasing this.

It would really flatter me (most 50s-style cuts do) but honestly, it would sit in my closet just being admired—but never, ever actually worn.

(From oMARITo's Etsy shop. Lots of cute scarflettes, bags, and interesting necklaces.)

Paley Cardigan Cotton

2009-10-10T13:50:00.000-07:00

When I am a 40-something housewife with a country club membership and a tee time every weekend, I will really, really want this cardigan.

H81 Plaid Denim Jumper Dress

2009-10-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

Maybe I've been smoking some crack without realizing it, but if I were an entirely different person, I would LOVE this. I think it's kind of cute and kicky and daring. It's definitely not for me, but if I saw you in a bar and you were wearing it, I'd go, "Aww, she looks so cute, and she obviously doesn't care what anyone thinks of her!" It takes serious balls to pull of a denim flounced minidress, and if you have those balls, I have nothing but respect for you.

Juliet tortoise patent-leader midheels

2009-10-10T12:30:00.000-07:00

So, normally I hate animal print. I think it looks super-tacky. I hate it on corsets, blouses, skirts, and coats. And I hate that—maybe motivated by the whole "cougar" thing—it's on trend for fall. I'm sorry, wearing animal print and looking like a hooker isn't empowering, no matter what anyone says.

... But I kind of like these.

Also, what are midheels?

STAR WARS A NEW HOPE Skirt/ Babydoll dress S-L

2009-10-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

Confession: I love Star Wars, Episodes 4-6.

Love. Obsessed. Seen every movie a million times. Sometimes, in dark moments, I think Princess Leia's dress at the end of A New Hope will be my wedding dress.

So this

is love.

Would I ever wear it? No.

Do I covet it? YES.

(From XPoppysWickedGardenX's Etsy store. She also has a Transformers 2 skirt. True story.)

Shimmering fireball necklace

2009-10-10T08:59:00.000-07:00

This is a necklace that's having an identity crisis.

Chunky? Delicate? Chunky? Delicate?

It can't decide. And neither can I.

TEAM JACOB - Twilight- Vintage Burnout Baseball Tee

2009-10-09T16:44:00.000-07:00

If I cared about Twilight, I would get this.

Nope, don't know the difference between Edward and Jacob, but I know that Robin Pitterson or whatever his name is bugs the crap out of me, so I'll go with The Other Guy.

(From FireDaughterClothing's Etsy shop.)

Alice + Olivia Leather Leggings

2009-10-09T14:42:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry, these are the hottest things I've ever seen. Very Gossip Girl, no?

Not that I would ever, ever wear them in a million years.

But for the right girl, they'd be amazing.

(From Shopbop.)

Ted Kennedy - Eco Friendly tote Graphic Canvas Tote Bag

2009-10-09T14:35:00.001-07:00

If you know me, you know I have an obsession with the Kennedys. I also have an obsession with tote bags. So this

is like crack cocaine to me.

However, this is another time when I'm not ballsy enough to pull something off in public.

(From Baostudio's Etsy store.)

Aqua Pods - Embroidery Linen Clutch

2009-10-09T14:15:00.001-07:00

This clutch from seller Shakuyaku's Etsy shop falls victim to my tiny-purse rule, but I still love it.

How gorgeous! How delicate! (This is a theme with my this afternoon, clearly.) And it's so... clean-looking.

In my dreams, I'm carrying this with a long, white column with silver heels.

In reality, I'm not carrying this at all.

But in a slightly more realistic dream scenario, I'm carying this at a cocktail party in the summer. I'm wearing fitted navy shorts and a loose, white, one-shouldered top.

... But I know that halfway through the night I'd get irritated that my big paddle brush can't fit in this, and there's no room for my BlackBerry or book.

Tassel Necklace, Banana Republic

2009-10-09T14:07:00.000-07:00

If I were to go for jewelry, I'd go for chunky over delicate. This is probably not the wisest choice, because delicate usually works better on me than chunky. But if I were to go for something long and delicate, I'd go for this:

I know it's only October, but I totally see myself wearing this at a Christmas party, don't you?

Book Journals

2009-10-09T12:59:00.000-07:00

Like every other girl of a certain temperment, I have experimented many, many times with keeping a journal. They usually last, at most, three days.

But if I were disciplined enough to keep a diary, I would totally keep one in these journals from seller StoriesDivinations' Etsy store:

I love, love, love, love them. They're like the vintage book purses. Adorable. I like this one. It's very Art Deco and minimal:

But this brings me to my problem with journals. They're beautiful, right?

And then... you write in them. And then you stress that what you're writing in these adorable books isn't good enough. That you're, like, desecrating the journal. There is no way in HELL that I would ever write in "Modern French Masters":

7:30 am: wake up
7:45 - 8:40: gym
9:08: train
10am - 6pm: work

It wouldn't be right. Maybe if I were a songwriter or a poet or a freelancer. I am none of those things.

But if you are a songwriter or a poet or a freelancer, I highly encourage these.

Timbales Necklace

2009-10-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

This, right here, is called a Statement Necklace:

I generally have no use for jewelry in my life, not gonna lie. I've been wearing the exact same necklace for almost a year now. Maybe more tha a year? I honestly don't remember. All I know is that my dad bought me a necklace with a twisted oar charm at the Head of the Charles last year (or the year before...) and I haven't taken it off since. Other than that, no jewelry.

I wish, though, that I cut pull off a necklace like this one.

I'm honestly way not cool enough, though.

If you are, though, this one is highly recommended.

(From Meetalls' Esty shop.)

Padded Knit Netbook Case - Spring Green and Trees

2009-10-09T12:41:00.000-07:00

If I used laptop cases, I would use this one from seller multidimensionality:

It's really cute and earthy-looking (bonus: made out of eco-friendly materials!) but...

I have never, ever, ever been able to use laptop cases.

I am far too lazy. And my laptop suffers.

But if you're not that lazy, go for it.

Book Club Book Purse

2009-10-09T12:10:00.000-07:00

The seller ExLibrisPurses sells the MOST ADORABLE purses ever.

Here is one:

I am a book nerd, so these are right up my alley. Plus, I'm a sucker for vintage-y looking things. This one (and the others) look really classic. I'm sure you can probably tell these are really books instead of purses, but I... don't care. Like at all. They look like purses women in the 50s might carry.

However... I couldn't use it. Like even a little. I would buy it, love it, and then have nowhere to carry it.

I am not a girl who leaves the house with just a $5 bill, my license, my phone and lip gloss. I don't even own lip gloss, but I am incapable of going out without a wallet, a book, my big paddle brush, a compact, iPod, phone and camera. Therefore, my "going out" purse is the same purse I use during the week to hold all of the above, plus a laptop + charger and a notebook.

So, if you are a girl who can carry small, cute purses out, and like vintage-y looking stuff, then go for it. And send me a photo of how awesome it looks.